I’m back

One year ago, I stopped writing Articulate Ana. I had noticed that, while I enjoyed writing, writing only about sad events also got me stuck in a negative mind-set. I had created and adopted an identity that consisted almost entirely of being a victim of sexual abuse; neither a very healthy nor a particularly uplifting identity. On a life-is-good scale ranging from one to ten, I was probably at a five point six: just about enough to keep myself going. I was hoping to up my score by focusing on the positive rather than the negative. Unfortunately, [spoiler alert], it didn’t work out.

The autumn of 2017 was marked by several major life changes, all positive ones. Most importantly, I moved back to my home country, to the town I love most. I bought and renovated an apartment. I started a new job, at a department that is a million times friendlier than the previous one. And I adopted a dog, a big, adorable, lazy and sweet ex-racer greyhound, and called him Brexit.

Strangely, in the midst of these positive events, I decided to stop eating. While on the one hand I was putting my grown-up life together for real, on the other I was frantically pulling the brakes. You may wonder why. So do I. The result, however, is pretty clear: my score on the life-is-good scale dropped dramatically. In fact, my score on the more general being-alive scale dropped dramatically, and I was admitted to hospital, which is where I am now.

I’m in good hands now. I’m an inpatient at the best eating disorder unit in the country. They offer highly specialised treatment programmes tailored to the individual patient (i.e., me). I am grateful to be given a second chance at recovery here, despite my own resistance and refusal to believe in a better future. Every day, I remind myself that, apparently, the treatment team still believes that my life could, technically, become worth fighting for, one day, somehow. And they know their shizzle, so I just need to trust them and eat. The more I eat, the more I feel the abuse that’s been engraved in my body. It’s everywhere. It’s burning underneath my skin, screaming for my attention, begging me to stop. Therefore, I decided it’s time to start writing again. Because whether I want it or not, the abuse is here now, and I need to deal with it.

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image source: Ladybird Books

3 thoughts on “I’m back

  1. You have been through so much, I can feel the turbulence that’s under your skin and in your bones. You have done amazingly well to take those steps and have those positive changes, I’m just so sorry it’s taken such a toll. A dog called Brexit made me chuckle. You can do this – please keep writing, keep sharing, if it helps. I’m glad you’re in safe hands and I wanted to send my hugs and love your way. Things can and will get better, there will be brighter days. Have hope  ♥
    Caz xx

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  2. I have thought about you often in this past year. I’m both relieved to see an update, and sad about the actual contents.

    I suppose controlling your eating has become a way of dealing with stress for you. And positive stress is stress nevertheless… You’ve been through quite a lot of change in a short period of time. But it sounds like you are in good hands, which is something of a relief.

    Hang in there, and please keep us posted.

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