The Body Catalogue

Before me lies The Body Catalogue: a catalogue of bodies and body parts counting a million-plus pages. It’s mix-and-match, two-for-the-price-of-one ánd free-delivery season, so we’d better put in an order. What shall we get? Skinny or fat? Blonde or brunette? Perfect vision, or eyes that come with smarty-pants glasses? Cheekbones, belly button, arm-length, toe-width? So many options!

Todays little thought experiment leaves me slightly upset. The only body I would consider ordering is nothing like the thing I currently own. Here are my requirements. The body should 1) be pain-resistant, 2) be unbreakable, 3) have a button to turn it off and/or disconnect at any time, 4) not contain any fluids, and 5) require little to no maintenance. The latter requirement is purposely stated to allow some flexibility, but daily feedings are certainly not acceptable. I don’t really care if the body is fat or skinny, blonde or brunette. I would graciously accept a weird-shaped ear and a squeaky hipbone, too.

I feel like the average fourteen-year-old, hissing “of course I’ll go to school, if only you would take me there in a Lamborghini”. Not gonna happen. Pain-free, damage-free, fluid-free and maintenance-free bodies are not gonna happen any time soon (let’s disregard dry sausage for the moment). The Body Catalogue is not happening either, for that matter. My conclusion from the thought experiment, however, is very real. I hate my body because it hurts, it’s broken, it’s disgusting, it needs food, and I have to drag it around every f*cking where I go.

As much as this experiment tells me about my ideal body, it also tells me that in fact I couldn’t care less about my looks. I’m not insecure, nor am I afraid to be visible or different. There’s no mentioning of health in the requirements either; I’m genuinely not worried about my body failing or dying. I don’t know if these are good things, but they do help me narrowing down the problem. What’s left is something that very much feels like a physical problem. That, plus hatred, I guess.

Finally, since it’s not only back-to-school-sale but also buy-one-get-one-free season, let me know what I can order for you! Any body parts that need replacement? Any particular bodily feature you always wanted to have? Don’t hesitate to leave a reply, I’m curious to hear your thoughts!

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